_{jess. it is all his mind can really focus on at the moment.  jess  j e s s   jess   j e s s. sam buries his nose in her soft curls, inhaling the subtle scent of her shampoo and closing his eyes against the sudden onslaught of emotions the simple act brings.  if he’d only been there to protect her, if he’d only acted on the dream.} 

        _{if only, if only. that is the winchester curse, isn’t it? if only. if only i was stronger, if only i was there, if only god helped me. sam’s if only weighs down on his chest like an iron ball, crushing his chest slowly in toward his heart.}

                           _{he hates dean for bringing this upon him and hates himself for not seeing it. sam hates his father for raising them into this business and hates whatever the hell murdered the child in jessica’s stomach, hates them all with an intensity and a fear that he cannot shake.}

                                                       _{❝ —- jess. ❞}

                                                                               _{he says, simple and low, pushing stray blonde locks back off her forehead. overcome with desire and relief and pain, sam presses his mouth to hers, soft as he can manage with the churning in his stomach. she’s so  s o f t  , so delicate, and sam can’t lose her, he just can’t. not after all they’ve been through. he’d been lost for so long, carted around across america on a whim, and in jessica sam had finally found his home. this is the life he wants, plain and simple, and he won’t relinquish it even if satan himself tries to wrench it from his fingertips.}

                  _{❝ jess, you can’t stay here. you have to go home —- to wisconsin. ❞}